Sometimes reaching that big “O” can be frustrating, but ironically, the best way to have an orgasm is often to simply stop trying so hard. Reaching the big finish does take some effort, but you shouldn’t be thinking ‘orgasm, orgasm, orgasm’ throughout sex. This will just make you (and your partner) completely stressed out, and you will both be left feeling inadequate and disconnected if the big moment doesn’t pan out.
First, as counterintuitive as it may be, focus on the idea that you can have ecstatic sex even without orgasm. That means both of you! This will be an especially difficult notion for men to let go of, as orgasm is typically the punctuation mark on a man’s sexual experience, not to mention the fact that he desperately wants to please his partner. However, when you let go of the intense focus on the goal, the performance anxiety decreases and you are more present in your body.
Instead, enjoy the intimacy of being close to your partner, the pleasurable sensations of your partner’s hands roaming all over your body. Whenever you feel yourself becoming a spectator and getting out of the moment, get back to the present by zeroing in on a particular physical sensation, like the way her mouth feels on yours, or how soft and smooth her skin feels underneath your body. The connection that is generated by your mutual affection and sensuality is so much more than the sum of its parts, so make sure to enjoy every touch, lick, kiss, and caress for what it is…rather than trying to making them all add up to orgasm as quickly as possible.
It’s also important to stop picturing a big Hollywood moment in which you both reach orgasm at the same time during intercourse. Of course, perfectly time simultaneous orgasms can feel like the golden achievement in the bedroom, and you should certainly go for it if that’s what you wish, but make sure that you have mastered the art of orgasm on your own and with your partner before making that your goal.
With all these different expectations for orgasm, it’s no wonder that they can be an issue for so many people! We think we have to reach orgasm every time, that sex is a failure without orgasm, or that orgasm has to be extremely intense and achieved in perfect symphony simultaneously with our partner. Talk about pressure!
But just remember this. Orgasms are not all created equal. In fact, only 30% of women experience orgasm from sex alone. This is no surprise considering that many sex positions don’t stimulate the main female hotspots, such as the clitoris and the G-spot.
Most women find that they need clitoral stimulation either before, during, or after intercourse in order to reach orgasm. Sometimes she’ll reach orgasm, sometimes she won’t. Sometimes the orgasm will be so powerful and intense that it will feel as if every cell in your body has come alive at once, while other times the orgasm might be a little blip on the screen of your sexual history.
Remember, not all orgasms will cause fireworks, but they can be enough to satiate your desire and keep you connected with your partner and your sexuality.