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Your Love is No Accident!

In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours.
In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.
—Maya Angelou

My work has convinced me of this truth: Your partner is your soul mate. We may have many soul mates in a lifetime, but there is no question in my mind and experience that you and your partner have come together to be allies in healing your deepest wounds. You can each grow and reach your fullest emotional and spiritual potential through your relationship, if you accept the invitation to do so. Your relationship is your greatest teacher. And if you are willing, Quantum Love has the ability to heal all past wounds and help you evolve into a higher self, your real, authentic self.

I have already outed the fact that I believe in a higher, Universal power, but I would also like to clarify that I believe in the soul. I think we are more than just skin and bone. Let me take this discussion even further. I don’t think our soul was born on the day we were born, but that in fact, our souls are much, much older. Perhaps this is why when you look into a baby’s eyes you are often touched with a sense of wonder as you see what seems to be wisdom looking back at you. I had this experience with each of my three children as I looked into their eyes when they were infants. I couldn’t help but wonder: Where did you come from? What are you thinking? What’s going on inside those big bright eyes? I knew there was something deep and profound there, something ancient and unknowable.

I also believe that our souls didn’t show up in our bodies by accident. They didn’t appear in our families and in our place of birth by happenstance. Something called our souls to this location, some larger force that was drawing our spirit to our own unique identity. Why so? I believe it’s because our souls have an agenda we don’t even know about consciously, a plan of things we are meant to learn and to work on while we are on this plane of existence. These are the lessons our essential self wants to learn while we are here on the planet. I believe, most fundamentally, we are here to have the human experience of loving and being loved.

In Quantum Love you think of every facet of your partner, their personality, history, goals, and habits (good and the bad) as wisdom with much to teach you. Your partner is bringing all of this incredible wisdom into your relationship field that his or her essential self needs to grow, just as you are bringing all of yours. Your points of conflict are invitations to face your fears, growing and evolving together into the best version of yourselves. The two of you sought and attracted this wisdom at an energetic level. It was no accident! Let’s think about what this means.

Even better, look at that characteristic that bothers you and ask yourself, “How does this serve me?” I find this question to be such useful tool in working couples in therapy as well as in my own life. If anything your partner says or does resonates with you in a negative way, it means that a powerful lesson lies underneath.

For instance, as soon as we had children together my husband moved into full-blown “Mr. Protector” mode. He would see danger wherever it may lurk. When our sons were babies, I thought it was very sweet, but as they grew I started to worry that it was too limiting and found myself getting frustrated with the restrictions his protectiveness created in all of our lives. But when I started to look for the gifts Mr. Protector brought the relationship and the ways his behavior and attitudes served me, I realized it enabled me to chill out. I didn’t have to be so vigilant. I was able to relax my brain and could apply my focus to playing with the kids while he looks out for them. I surrendered to his low threshold for risk; it’s like going on a date and not having to take your wallet. Not long ago my son Jackson proclaimed, “Mom you are the fun one and dad is the safe one.” Honestly, I’d love us both to be both to him, but if I have to pick a title I like “fun one” the best! I realize now that it is a real gift that Sam takes on so much responsibility. And, I think he enjoys his title too.

His Protector persona definitely extends to me as well. I often lovingly call him my Caveman. This caveman persona used to cause problems between us. The pleaser in me would react to the hardline stance he’d take with others on my behalf. I would almost frantically try to smooth things over if it seemed like he had ruffled anyone’s feathers. This in turn would upset him, because he was trying to help or because they really had crossed an inappropriate boundary that I seemed willing to let go. In his mind, I was choosing those other people’s comfort over his. This was certainly not my intention. He is my priority and his comfort and happiness is paramount to me, so I took his feelings seriously and considered how the Caveman served me. He always takes care of the hard stuff, mostly out of love for me because he knows I hate it, whether it is firing someone, saying no, or simply dealing with the conflicts in many areas of business and life. I get to just focus on the things I most enjoy. I get to be the friendly, creative fun one and he has to be the hard liner. And he does a phenomenal job at it.

One of the ways Sam has been my greatest teacher is that his way of being has forced me to fully own that I’m not responsible for other people’s stories and feelings, and certainly not his impact on them. My essential self wanted to let go of the “pleaser” identity I held onto my whole life. There are many of us pleasers out there who grew up believing that we would only be valued if we’re nice and cooperative and make everyone happy. Thanks to my beloved caveman I have also connected to the idea that I, also like many of us, saw my mate as a reflection on me. I certainly am proud when I am on his arm and to call him my husband. But my worth doesn’t come from him and his behaviors or how others react to him.

For more on learning how to reach new heights in your romantic life, read my book Quantum Love: Use Your Body’s Atomic Energy to Create the Relationship You Desire.

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