This past weekend I didn’t want to get out of bed. That’s not new for me on this grief journey, but as I’ve been learning to do, I pulled myself up and out even though I didn’t want to because I knew I’d be happy I did. It helped to know I had two soul friends waiting for me along with some goats ready to do goat yoga in Santa Monica’s Marine Park. I’ve definitely found that being with animals and spending time in nature always makes me feel better. But I wasn’t even thinking about the benefits of belly laughs, of which there were many, as those sweet beasts hopped up on my back to give me some GAS (Goat Assisted Stretching).
That same night I cleaned up my goat-covered self and went to see Guru Sri Sri Ravi Shankar at a fundraiser for the Art of Living Foundation. I had never met a “Guru” before meeting Sri Sri several months ago. I was a bit skeptical at first because to me we are all Gurus. I also know many devotees who have been heartbroken and damaged by charlatan abusers posing in the form of “Guru.” But I went along with it as I was ushered into a private meeting with him along with a posse of excited devotees.
Sri Sri came into the room and sat on the couch quietly smiling at us. He is a small man, but his presence felt immense. And I felt some of my resistance melting. I heard about the amazing difference he is making in schools, war zones and prisons. This guy is no charlatan. My friend Deb Poneman, who had invited me, introduced me to him and gave me an expectant look. I had been told I could ask a question, but as soon as I opened my mouth the tears started flowing. I managed to croak out my words, “My 16-year-old son was murdered by fentanyl poisoning. I can let go of my anger at his murderer. I know that energy never dies and he is still with me. But can you help me understand what I am supposed to do with this? Is there a reason? A purpose I am supposed to take forward from this pain?”
The Guru stared at me silently for a moment, his white robes reflecting the light that also seemed to be shining from his very bright eyes as he looked into my bloodshot ones. Before he opened his mouth I got a clear message in the form of a question I hadn’t yet considered, “What about your anger at Sammy? Have you let go of that?” That almost floored me. I had let go at my anger at Sammy’s murderer, even (to a large extent) to the beast that is Snapchat who are an indifferent accessory to his murder. I know Karma will take care of them. But letting go of my anger at Sammy? Whew! turns out that’s a topic for another blog at another time.
Even though he was across the room, the quiet words the Guru then spoke reverberated through me as he told me that my purpose was to help other parents, not only those who have lost their children, but those who are seeking to reach their children’s hearts. He then told me that Sammy was going to come back again in my lifetime and that I would recognize him when he did. I heard a gasp from the others in the room when he said that. He repeated it several times, ending with, “Of that I am sure.” A while later we all gathered for a picture. Guru Sri Sri sidled over to stand next to me, putting his arm gently around my back and I leaned toward him feeling deep love and understanding emanating from him. I put my arm around his back as well.
Later, when I regrouped with Deb, she was very excited. Evidently, the Guru’s certainty of my son’s return was mindblowing enough and not something she had ever heard him say in the 40 years she has been studying and travelling with him. But the fact that he touched me was even more astounding. I had no idea one doesn’t touch a Guru! Leave it to me to be clueless LOL. I was told the reason he likely touched me was to give me Shakipat, a transmission of enlightening healing, and transformative loving energy to support me on my journey. Whatever it was, I definitely felt it.
The next time I saw Guru Sri Sri was last weekend, after the goats. Again his devotees were scrambling around the event space where we were having dinner trying to capture his attention as he wandered around the room to bless the attendees. My friend Deb again pulled me along to the perfect location to intercept his path with a circle of others. When he came to us they were all vying for his attention. “Guru! Can you bless my baby?” “Guru! this is my friend so and so from such and such”… I stood by quietly watching. Suddenly he looked at me from the other side of the circle. Again he stared into my eyes with his bright ones and took a giant step into the middle of the circle toward me, connecting his hands in prayer and bowing to me as I did the same. The message I heard in my heart was, “The Godself in me honors the Godself in you.”
During the meditation Guru Sri Sri guided us through that night, he reminded us that we are all pure energy and energy never dies, it just changes form. The atoms of which our bodies are made have always existed and always will. Just like the form our atoms take has changed from the time we were born to our grown-up bodies today, the same atoms will change form again when our bodies die and we go back to the earth. But our energy, our Godself, is always constant, never changing form. As he took us into this knowing I felt the signature of my own energetic frequency. And then I felt the unique energetic frequencies of my two friends sitting on either side of me. I realized that the Godself in me is able to recognize the Godself in each of them. Each of our energetic frequencies is so unique that I knew in that moment that I would be able to recognize them even if I couldn’t see or perceive their beautiful physical forms. I thought about my friend Anita Moorjani’s accounts of her time on the other side, when she met up with her father’s energy and knew it was him, recognizing him beyond form. And in that moment I was able to feel Sammy’s energy right next to me beyond the veil, bemusedly and lovingly watching all these realizations in me click into place.
Our Godself is the eternal, everlasting, unchangeable aspect of us; our soul. It isn’t affected by life’s ups and downs or tragedies or heartbreaks. It remains pure and tapped in and tuned in. It’s always there, just waiting for us to connect with it. Sometimes we loose touch with it, like when we are struggling to get out of bed. But when we pick ourselves up and shake ourselves off and do something that the soul desires like spending time in nature, with friends and moving our bodies, we can feel it.
Don’t forget to connect with your Godself this week. I promise it will be worth it.