Do you believe that mind-blowing sex is something that happens naturally or something that requires effort? If it is the former, your sex life might suffer as a result. In fact, new research shows that people who believe in ‘sexual destiny’ (the idea that passionate, fulfilling sex happens of its own accord) are more likely to suffer from unpleasant and infrequent sex.
The study shows that couples who believe that sexual satisfaction requires effort are more likely to enjoy satisfying sex. They are also less likely to allow sexual difficulties to overshadow the rest of their relationship.
In other words, people who subscribe to a Hollywood idea of romance and sex struggle more with sexual pleasure than people who take a more realistic approach. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have fireworks or that fireworks aren’t realistic. Just the opposite! Wayne Dyer once famously said “I am realistic, I expect miracles,” and I apply this same belief to my work as a sex therapist as well.
However, it’s important to realize that miracles and manifestation still require effort on our parts. We need to challenge outdated and false beliefs that do not serve us, as these beliefs could be leading to unnecessary pain and heartache.
Here are the most common misconceptions that could challenge your sex life:
1) The man should be the initiator. We often think that the man should be the sexually assertive one in the relationship and take the driver’s seat during the act itself. This is a very harmful belief because it leads women to take a passive role rather than ownership and participation in their own sexual pleasure. Not to mention, men want to feel desired too. It’s not always enough just to be receptive. Great sex occurs when BOTH partners are proactive.
2) Men always want sex. In actuality, one in five men suffers from low libido. When we are committed to the belief that men should always be in the mood and have the higher level of desire, it can be very discouraging for both partners. She feels unattractive and wonders what she is doing wrong, and he feels pressured and emasculated. It’s a vicious cycle based on out-of-date patriarchal beliefs.
3) Sex and intercourse are the same thing. I find that many people shy away from sexual activity because they don’t want to have intercourse. So, they avoid kissing, touching, or snuggling their partner altogether. Yet we need touch to bond us, relax us, and keep us lovers rather than roommates. Instead of thinking every single sensual touch must lead to sex, it would be preferable to think of your sexual connection as a never-ending loop or as a fire you keep stoked. Some nights you might throw a log on the fire and really get things roaring, but other nights you might just stoke the flames a little and enjoy some warmth together.”
4) Great sex happens spontaneously. The idea of scheduling sex can be very off-putting to couples, as many of us have the belief that the best sex happens naturally…that it happens spontaneously and with no effort or preparation. Yet the reality is that with our heavily scheduled lives, sex just won’t happen at all if we don’t pre-plan it. Not only that, but scheduled sex can actually be highly erotic. Knowing that you get to have sex with your partner will give you time to spark your sexual imagination, and it will also allow for your intimacy to come from a place of true connection and sensuality, rather than a momentary burst of lust.
5) You can’t change your sex life without your partner’s help. Not true. Technique is easily teachable. And as I discuss in my book, Quantum Love, you can actually change your relationship drastically without your partner even realizing what you are doing. That’s because all great change starts on an energetic level. It’s not about date nights or sexy lingerie (though that is fun, too!) but it’s about loving from a place of whole-heartedness and vulnerability. It’s about offering your partner the sexy, passionate energy you wish to see reflected in your life, and living as though that energy exists. That’s manifestation at its heart, and that is how you can change your relationship from the inside out without ever telling your partner what is happening.
Watch this short video on how to manifest love in your life below: