We have a guest writer for this week’s blog, my eldest son Ethan. He’s 27 years old and has been through more than most could survive in his young life; childhood leukemia, abandonment by his biological father, death of his brother, and so much more. He is an ancient soul who has blown my mind since he was a tiny thing with his profound understanding of the deepest landscapes of our hearts. But when I asked him to create something for me that depicted the winding, indirect and confusing journey of grief, he surpassed anything I could have imagined. He made me this map, the Geography of Grief which he describes below.
If you are someone who has suffered a painful loss, I think the story of the geography of grief will resonate with you. You will see yourself as a fellow traveler and my hope is, feel a little more seen and a little less alone.
Let me know your thoughts. And PS, Ethan even made me a cartographer’s diary, written by a fictional character who travels the landscape of grief over time that I’m happy to share that too if you message me a request!
A Geography of Grief
By Ethan Chapman
In the months directly following a profound loss, our inner self is generally in a state of shock. The calamity has just struck, but the aftershocks continue as the dust settles. All you can do is take cover and wait for the earth to settle.
As we emerge following the initial shock of our loss, we find an alien yet familiar landscape. It bares similarities to what we knew before but has been fundamentally changed, even broken in places. Parts of the landscape have been split or ripped away as if by catastrophic forces. We cannot mend the landscape or set it back to how it was before. All we can do now is familiarize ourselves with life in this changed place and learn new ways to navigate through our lives.
The Anguishing Marshlands, an icy place, is the region where most first arrive on the broken isle. After the shock passes, they emerge onto a half-frozen peatland. The thick, frigid mud makes it hard to imagine moving on from here. The going can be tough, and it is all too easy to get stuck in the Frozen Mire of Apathy. The further into the Marsh one goes, the more isolated they begin to feel. Many souls have gone mad after stranding themselves on the Isle of Isolation. Faced by the isolation and the cold, empty apathy, it is a constant battle of wills to keep oneself from simply lying down to be consumed by the murk.
There is a limit to these lands though. If you just continue forward, one step at a time; if you just refuse to lay down and give up; eventually you WILL find your way through. The landscape will likely lead you back here for another visit in the future, but each time it becomes easier to find your way out.
Another region, common to many grief landscapes, is The Ruminating Spires. The delicate formations of towering stone here seem prepared to topple at the slightest breeze. Many souls become stranded here despite the relatively flat terrain because they feel it is safer to stay put than to pass through and risk being crushed by a tower or arch. What these souls don’t realize is that while they may appear delicate, these Arches of Anticipation have stood for eons and they will stand for eons still, they are not as fragile as they appear, and neither are you. These lands also channel the winds off the ocean, shaping them almost into the sounds of words that seem to carve themselves into the earth as narrow Intruding Crags. It might seem that if one just stopped and studied the crags or listened to the wind, they might be able to make sense of the voices and find a way through.
How can one help but get lost in the unpredictable and startling Overwhelming Woodland? This is a dark and wild place coated in Fog Banks of Anxiety and a Canopy of Helplessness. It can feel like you can’t find your bearings, like there is nothing you can do to protect yourself. The foliage is dense, and visibility is poor. Strange sounds emanate from the dark surroundings. The towering trees make souls feel small and impotent in comparison. In the face of such fear, some souls can think of nothing to do but curl up in a ball and wait to be devoured. Others attempt to flee in a panic, crashing through brush and thicket with no sense of direction only to end up back where they began.
In truth, the surest way through these dark woods is to accept the terror. If you can calm your body, you will find that this place is not as impenetrable as it might first appear. The woods are crossed by winding but clear game trails and creek beds. If you can let go of control and the need to take a direct path; instead trusting the winding paths the forest provides, you will find your way out. Each time you return to the forest you might still feel the initial terror, overwhelm and helplessness but it will become easier and easier to find peace in its darkness and trust the paths that it puts forth for you.
The arid Valley of Guilt is a relatively well-known region that most souls visit in their journeys after the cataclysm at some point. It is surrounded by sheer Cliffs of Longing, their tops visible but completely out of reach. The valley itself is warm and arid, covered in rolling dunes. Despite its obstacles, this is one of the more passable regions within the landscape. That said, many souls insist on spending more time here than necessary. Rolling Dust Clouds of Denial are known to surround travelers, preventing them from moving forward. Other souls struggle to move through due to their frustration with themselves for becoming lost there in the first place. The surest way through the valley is to first acknowledge and accept that you are there. Once you have done this, the path through will become clear and while the trip may not be pleasant, you will make it through.
The most volatile region in the landscape of grief is the Ash Fields of Fury. This region is no more harmful than any other in the landscape, as long as one travels with care. When one first arrives in this region there is often a temptation to hide somehow or even become stuck on the outskirts out of fear of delving deeper into the magma and soot. Many fear the volcanic Peaks of Rage and Hateful Storms of the Fields so much that they would rather be stuck along its edges than pass through it to move forward. Unfortunately, the biggest threat posed by the Ash Fields lies in the build-up of pressure. The longer you refuse to pass through, the more pressure builds. If it builds high enough, then eruption is unavoidable, and you are left with a new cataclysmic event that can be as devastating as the one that broke the landscape in the first place.
The key to moving through the Ash Fields is to not try to fight or avoid the trip. If you allow yourself to move through the heat, lightning, fire and lava as soon as you arrive, then you might only have to contend with a trickle of magma and brief storm as opposed to earth shattering eruptions and hurricanes. The heat needs to escape eventually, better for it to be in a trickle than an explosion.
The highest point on the grief map is Mount Hope. It stands above the entire landscape, serving as a beacon to urge people onward. There is no direct route to the mount and everybody’s path is unique to their own landscape and soul. Some are lucky enough to reach the peak in weeks while others may spend years wandering in circles through the other regions before reaching it. Regardless of how long it takes, as long as one keeps moving forward, all paths lead to the mount eventually.
The peak of Mount Hope grants new perspective on the landscape below. From above, the storm and fire of the Ash Fields of Fury appear energizing and invigorating, the open landscape of the Valley of Guilt is motivating and inspiring, the green canopy and wisping fog of the Overwhelming Woodland seem mysterious and alluring, the Ruminating Spires inspire curiosity and awe and their fragile structures rather than terror that they might fall, and finally, from the height of the peak, the Anguishing Marsh looks peaceful and serene.
From the peak, it is possible to catch a glimpse of the Fragment of What Was Lost from your landscape in the cataclysm. It is well beyond reach but from here you can be sure that it will always be there, if only at a distance.
No soul can remain on the peak of the Mountain of Hope indefinitely, and it is not possible to sustain the perspective gained from that height once you descend; but you can still remember it even if you don’t feel it. You can remember that there is meaning and value to all of the struggle even if you don’t feel it in the moment. Just knowing it and that you will one day return to that peak, can make the journey through the landscape so much easier.
One day, you will move through the landscape, and it will no longer feel perilous and alien. Its hazards will seem trivial and the peak easily accessible. You will have adapted to it, normalized it, incorporated it into yourself. On that day, when you reach the peak of Mount Hope, you will find a Tree of Inspiration, its limbs heavy with fruit, ripened by your journey. Eating the fruit imbues a soul with meaning and inspiration. Suddenly you will look down at the landscape and see a winding and looping path that eventually leads outward to a distant unexplored new frontier.