People often ask me how to tell if someone is ‘the one.’ How do you know if the person you’re falling for is really your soulmate? Sometimes it can be hard to tell, but one thing is for certain: There are often many warning signs that a potential partner is NOT the one.
Sadly, we tend to tune out these red flags because we are so wrapped up in the butterflies and lust of newfound attraction. We’ve all been there: When you’re swooning over your crush’s six-pack or their beautiful brown eyes, it can be difficult to force yourself to look at the possibility that they might not be ‘the one.’
Here is the good news: There are ways you can easily clue into whether or not your new love interest is worth your time and energy, even if you’re crushing so hard that you feel like a walking heart-eye emoticon.
If your partner doesn’t do these 4 things, you can be certain that it’s time to swipe left:
They don’t remember things you say. Now, you shouldn’t expect your new partner to have a memory like an elephant, but if they constantly forget key things about your life, don’t ignore this red flag. For example, if you have mentioned several times that you’re lactose intolerant but they keep asking you out for pizza dates or make your coffee with milk or cream. Or, if you have discussed your job several times, but whenever you mention your boss’s name, they get a blank questioning stare like they’ve never heard that name before. Your new partner doesn’t need to know your every like and dislike, but they should remember the basic things that make you you, whether that means you love yoga or that your birthday is coming up or that you’re allergic to cats.
They don’t make sacrifices for you. I don’t mean your date needs to shower you with gifts or throw his jacket on a puddle so you can cross it without getting your feet wet. But if your new partner won’t make any adjustments to their life in order to better incorporate your needs or desires, this is a major red flag. For example, if you need a ride from the airport but they don’t want to miss the Packers game on T.V., so they tell you to get an Uber instead. Or if you want to hang out in your neighborhood, but they always insist you come to their house or their favorite hangout spot.
In other words, if you’re always making the effort to come to them, to indulge in their hobbies, and ‘get in where you fit in,’ you need to hit the brakes. Someone who is truly interested and invested in you won’t except you to squeeze yourself into their schedule and their lifestyle. They will make sacrifices and compromises in order to make you a priority and to consider your needs.
They don’t respect your boundaries. If you tell your new love interest that you’re busy on Friday night, but they keep calling you and texting you throughout the evening, be aware that this can be a warning sign of controlling behavior. If you set any boundary (i.e. I don’t want another drink, I don’t want to hang out tonight, I don’t like this movie), but they keep pushing and pushing to get you to change your mind, you’re headed into potentially dangerous territory. Anytime you give someone a clear boundary, even if it’s a simple as not wanting to try a certain food, and they keep badgering you or teasing you about the choice, you should take that boundary-stomping as a huge “BEWARE” sign.
They don’t have the same sexual desire as you. Mismatched libidos are one of the biggest issues couples face. Ideally, couples should know ahead of time if their libidos are close to matching. For example, does he want to have sex every day, but you would be fine with having sex once a week? Talk to your partner about their ideal sexual frequency, and not in the honeymoon stage of a relationship, but in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship.
Have they every struggled with low desire? Have they ever grappled with mismatched libidos in past relationships? What would happen if one of you wanted more sex than the other? How would you manage that? Have these conversations early on to save yourself heartache in the future. If you’re a very sexual person with high desire, but your new partner is frankly telling you that sex isn’t that important to them, be aware that this issue isn’t going to get better in the future, but in fact your differing desires will probably become even stark and overwhelming.
Now, you tell me: What are some of your red flags that tell you to ‘run’ when you’re on a date?