We’ve all been there—saying “yes” when we really want to say “no,” agreeing to do something out of some sense of obligation, or stretching ourselves too thin to avoid disappointing others…
But what if I told you that setting boundaries is one of the most loving and empowering things you can do for both yourself and those around you?
Why Setting Boundaries Is Essential
Boundaries are not about building walls or keeping others out. They’re about creating clear guidelines that help protect your emotional, mental, and physical energy. When we set boundaries, we show ourselves and others that we value mutual respect, clarity, and honesty in our relationships.
Setting boundaries often gets a bad rap. We might feel like we’re being selfish, that others will think less of us, or that it’s somehow wrong to prioritize our own needs. But healthy boundaries are essential to maintaining our well-being. Without them, we risk burnout, resentment, and weakened relationships.
I discovered this the hard way. First, when I developed breast cancer in my early 40s, I was healthy, exercised, and ate right and had no genetic risk factors. But I was so externally focused on everyone else’s needs, sandwiched between my aging, ill parents and my three neurodivergent kids, that I was drowning. It was then I began my work as a recovering codependent.
Then, over 10 years later, when my sweet boy Sammy died and my world shattered, I had no ability to function, much less set boundaries. And I knew I wouldn’t survive if I didn’t. So I decided to hand it over to my body to take the lead on setting boundaries for me. You can read more about letting the body lead here [LINK TO BLOG I JUST SENT ABOUT FULL BODY YES], but suffice it to say it completely changed my life for the better.
Recognizing the Need for Boundaries
Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint when you need to set a boundary. Here are a few signs you might need to step back and re-evaluate:
- You feel drained after interactions with certain people.
- You find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no.
- You’re constantly prioritizing others’ needs over your own, to the point of exhaustion.
- You feel resentful or frustrated after helping others, even though you initially agreed to do it.
If any of this sounds familiar, it’s time to start working on those boundaries.
How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. Here’s how to do it in a way that fosters connection and avoids the guilt trap:
- Identify What You Need
The first step is recognizing where you feel stretched too thin. Are you overcommitting at work? Spending too much energy on family drama? Not enough time for self-care? Understanding where your limits are will make it easier to communicate them. - Communicate Clearly and Kindly
Boundaries are only effective when they’re communicated. When speaking up, be direct yet compassionate. For example, instead of saying, “I can’t believe you’re asking me to do this,” try: “I’d love to help, but I’m really maxed out right now and need to focus on my own priorities.”Use “I” statements, focusing on how you feel and what you need, rather than blaming or accusing the other person. This keeps the conversation constructive and prevents unnecessary conflict. - Practice Saying No
This is often the hardest part for many people, but it’s crucial. Saying “no” is not a rejection of the other person; it’s an affirmation of your own limits. A simple “I’m unable to commit to that right now, but I appreciate you asking” goes a long way.It’s okay to feel uncomfortable at first—it gets easier with time! - Expect Pushback
Some people might not understand your boundaries at first, especially if they’ve become used to you always being available. This doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong! It’s important to stay firm and remember why you set the boundary in the first place. Consistency is key. - Release the Guilt
It’s easy to fall into the guilt trap after setting a boundary, especially if the person reacts negatively. Remind yourself that setting limits is not selfish—it’s an act of self-care. When you honor your boundaries, you’re showing others how to treat you with respect, and in turn, you’re respecting them by being honest about what you can and can’t handle.
The Benefits of Healthy Boundaries
The amazing thing about boundaries is that they don’t just benefit you—they benefit everyone around you. When you set and maintain boundaries:
- You become more present in your relationships because you’re not constantly overwhelmed.
- Your connections strengthen because they’re built on honesty and mutual respect.
- You model healthy behavior for others, encouraging them to respect themselves as well.
- You prevent burnout by protecting your energy, which allows you to show up as your best self.
Boundaries Are an Act of Love
Remember, boundaries aren’t about keeping people out—they’re about letting the right kind of interactions in. They help you create space for more meaningful, intentional relationships while ensuring you’re taking care of your own needs.
So the next time you’re faced with the urge to say “yes” out of guilt, pause and think about what you truly need. Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, but in the long run, it’s a gift you’re giving yourself—and everyone in your life.