We can’t travel the distance from heartbreak to healing on our own. It’s as simple as that. We are meant to heal in community, with our village around us. When we heal with others who intimately understand our pain, not only does it automatically lift some of the burden, but we can be held through our healing. We learn that we aren’t alone, we aren’t crazy for feeling the way we do, and we can walk through our fire holding the hands of others who are walking with us.
But the truth is most of us try to heal in isolation, too embarrassed or shut down to seek help. Listen, I get it. I was raised a helper, but for most of my life I refused to be helped. I was basically conceived to be a helper. My mom told me more than once that she got pregnant with me so that I could “keep her company” while my dad was deployed in Vietnam. But when my he came home I would not to be relieved of my caretaking duties. In fact, I would become a parentified child; the emotional caretaker for both parents, as well as their love and relationship therapist for their entire lives. I learned early that having needs could easily make me a burden worthy of rejection and isolation. I learned the best way to get approval (and my needs met) was by meeting the needs of my caretakers first.
All of that changed after Sammy died.
I remember so vividly feeling like I was experiencing the world from under an ocean of pain. Everything was blurry and abstract, and I was frozen in my agony, shock and grief, just trying to keep breathing. Meanwhile, my community came together in beautiful ways to support me and quite adamantly didn’t give up until I accepted their grace. One friend left coffee on my doorstep regularly until I eventually opened the door and let her in. Another group of soul friends told me they’d be gathering on zoom every Friday at 2:30pm waiting for me whether I came online or not. Another friend left me brief voicemail messages of love every day for a month until I could finally talk.
I think it was partly their steadfastness which eventually led me to accept help. But honestly, it was really a matter of realizing that this was just too big to do on my own. My pain was so great that I stopped caring about being a burden. Heck, I stopped caring about anything but surviving. So, I finally said, “yes” and asked for help. I accepted help, love, and grace from my community, and it buffered me, and held me through the pain as I continued to heal. And I realized my people felt their own pain and helplessness over my loss, and me accepting their love and assistance helped them too.
A year later, on a whim, I posted on social media, inviting other grieving mamas to a meetup on Santa Monica Beach. I imagined I was being of service, starting to offer support to others like me. I didn’t know what would happen or who (if anyone) would show, but as I watched 10 women walking toward me, I began to sob because I realized I hadn’t just started this group to help heal others. It was for me too.
Since then, our Grieving Mama Meetup group has grown to close to 100 local LA members and we meet monthly for healing meetings where I am leading and participating all at the same time. I’m about to start virtual meetups too so mamas around the country can join us. And last April we held the first Love Mama Retreat, where 66 grieving mamas (more than 50 of them on partial or total scholarship), came together in the Redwoods of Santa Cruz to heal.
I wasn’t sure the system I believed would create transformation and healing would work, but it did, and we are planning another for the Spring of 2025.
Now, I’m more driven than ever to bring this community healing to everyone, starting with all women, no matter what loss they’ve suffered. So, on October 25-27, we are holding our first Heartbreak to Healing Retreat in Chicago.
You aren’t supposed to do this grief thing alone. Come join us for an uplifting, powerful, and healing experience. Come join our community and receive help and guidance from some of the best facilitators and healers I know. I can’t wait to see you there!