I’ve been getting a lot of questions about this lately and it’s been coming up a lot in my sessions with couples, so I figured I’d write a blog about getting off the Drama Triangle…
Have you ever found yourself locked in the same arguments, feeling stuck in blame, guilt, or frustration with your partner? Maybe you feel like you’re constantly being mistreated, or maybe you’re the one doing the blaming. Or perhaps you’re always swooping in to fix everything, only to feel drained and unappreciated.
If any of this sounds familiar, you might be caught in the Drama Triangle—a psychological pattern that keeps relationships stuck in conflict and dysfunction.
Developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman in 1968, the Drama Triangle explains how we unconsciously fall into toxic relational roles. The problem? Most of us spend more than half our time on the Triangle without even realizing it. The key to escaping the cycle is awareness—because once you see it, you can start to shift it.
The Three Roles of the Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle consists of three roles:
1. The Victim – “This is happening to me”
The Victim feels powerless, helpless, and at the mercy of their partner, circumstances, or life itself. This role is filled with “If only” thoughts:
- “If only my partner would change, I’d be happy.”
- “If only my life weren’t so hard.”
Common behaviors:
- Passive-aggressive responses (“It doesn’t matter where we eat” but then pouts through dinner).
- Easily hurt, reading into things as personal attacks (“You think I’m fat?” when their partner suggests a walk).
- Avoids responsibility (“I can’t do it, I need you to fix this”).
2. The Villain – “This is all your fault”
The Villain blames, criticizes, or attacks to mask their own insecurity. Instead of expressing vulnerability, they lash out.
Common behaviors:
- Criticizes the partner’s character, not just their actions (“You forgot the groceries? You’re so irresponsible.”).
- Uses sarcasm or control to feel superior.
- Refuses to admit fault or let go of an argument.
3. The Hero – “I’ll fix everything”
The Hero jumps in to rescue, fix, or smooth things over—often at the cost of their own well-being. They take responsibility for everyone else’s happiness and avoid their own needs.
Common behaviors:
- Over-functioning in the relationship (handling everything but never asking for help).
- Enabling their partner by taking the blame for everything (“It’s my fault she yells at me—I shouldn’t have pushed her”).
- Treating their partner like they’re incompetent (leaving detailed instructions for everything, calling to “check in” constantly).
You can also play more than one role at a time. A mother who “fixes” everything for her family (Hero) but then feels bitter and resentful (Victim) while muttering that no one appreciates her is playing both roles.
How to Know You’re on the Drama Triangle
I can sum it up in five words:
You think you are right.
The moment you are fully convinced that your perspective is the only correct one and your partner is 100% the problem, you are on the Triangle.
The solution? Shift your perspective, take ownership, and step into empowerment.
How to Get Off the Drama Triangle
The only way out is to stop feeding the cycle and take full ownership of your energy, behavior, and reactions. Here’s how:
1. Own Your Role in the Conflict
Take 100% responsibility for your part—not just for your words, but for your energy and reactions. Instead of blaming your partner, ask:
- How am I contributing to this pattern?
- What role am I playing in this conflict?
When you recognize your own part, it’s much harder to stay in blame mode.
2. Shift to the Empowerment Triangle
To truly break free, replace your Drama Triangle role with its healthier counterpart:
- Instead of the Victim → Become the Creator (Take charge of your own happiness and choices).
- Instead of the Villain → Become the Challenger (Set boundaries without blame or attack).
- Instead of the Hero → Become the Coach (Offer support without taking over).
Example: Instead of saying “I feel abandoned when you go out with friends” (Victim), try “I’d love for us to plan more quality time together—how do you feel about that?” (Creator).
3. Communicate Unarguably
One of the most powerful ways to get off the Triangle is to speak unarguably—which means talking only about your own experience, rather than making accusations or assumptions.
Steps to speaking unarguably:
- Share a physical feeling – “I feel tightness in my chest.”
- Share an emotion – “I feel sad and anxious.”
- Share your story – “I have a story that you’d rather be with your friends than with me.”
- State what you want – “I’d love for us to plan more quality time together.”
Notice how this keeps the focus on your own truth, rather than turning into an argument about who is right.
4. Call Out Your Own Person
We all have personas that emerge in conflict—the Control Freak, the Martyr, the Fixer, the Know-It-All. A great way to loosen their grip is to play them out to the extreme.
For example, if you notice yourself acting like the Hero, exaggerate it:
“Fine, I’ll just do everything myself, and no one else will ever have to lift a finger again!”
It sounds ridiculous because it is—and that helps you break the cycle.
5. Table the Argument & Regroup
If you feel emotionally flooded, you are not thinking clearly. Step away and say:
“I know I’m stuck on the Triangle. I need 20 minutes, and then we can talk again.”
Shifting your energy is more important than “winning” the argument.
During that break, ask yourself:
- What do I really want here?
- Am I more committed to being right or to connection?
When you come back, you’ll see things more clearly and be in a better place to actually resolve the issue.
Escaping the Drama Triangle isn’t about winning or losing—it’s about choosing to create a different dynamic. When you take radical responsibility for your own energy, your own words, and your own reactions, your relationships will completely transform.
The next time you feel caught in blame, resentment, or defensiveness, pause and ask yourself:
- What role am I playing here?
- What’s one small shift I can make to step into empowerment instead?
When you make that shift, you’ll move from conflict to connection—one choice at a time.