Are you settling or are you really meant to be?
Have you ever wondered if your partner is actually your soulmate?
On my latest episode of “The Language of Love,” I reveal one of the most common questions I get asked as a relationship therapist: How do I know if my partner is ‘the one’?
Even if you are content enough in your current relationship, you probably have considered this question. Or, if you are single, you have certainly weighed this question in your mind when you are dating someone new. How can you tell if the person you are dating is your soulmate or determine if you are just settling for ‘close enough’?
First, let me explain that I deeply believe in the concept of soulmates. But I don’t just mean in the Hollywood sense, in which you and your mate fall in love at first sight and live blissfully together all of your days. Instead, I mean that you and your partner’s souls literally met and conspired together before either of you ever came to this reality. I believe that you each made a pact to meet each other and serve one another on your soul-growth journey.
I truly believe that our partners are here to challenge us, to urge us to face those deep, hidden, and hurting parts of ourselves that most need attention. A true soulmate can serve as both a catalyst and a companion for such a transformation journey.
So, this is what I mean when I talk about soulmates: I don’t mean butterflies and untroubled days. Yes, those beautiful and blissful experiences should be part of your love life, but that infatuation stage doesn’t last forever. After those early days of excitement are over, comfort and companionship will take its place.
But, if you are with your soulmate, you will find that you can take your relationship to another level as well: And this is the level that will offer limitless possibility for passion, excitement, and creation. If you are with your true soulmate, you will find that your bond is about so much more than physical and emotional compatibility. You will find that you have a soulful connection that you can use to ‘level up’ your love life and sex life…as long as you bring that intention to the bedroom.
So how do you know if you are with your soulmate? Look for clues like these:
· You feel as if you have known each other before. When you met, did you feel an ease with your partner as if you were running into someone you knew from a long time ago? Do you have unusual experiences or rare characteristics in common? This can often be a potential sign that you are soulmates.
· You feel like you are ‘coming home’ rather than going on a rollercoaster. Butterflies can be a warning sign. If your partner makes you feel like you’re about to go down a roller coaster, it may be a red flag. Passion and excitement are great, but going on a date shouldn’t feel like you’re about to jump out of a plane. You need to feel safe and supported, not out of control. Often when people meet their soulmates they feel a sense of coming home. So, beware of too much excitement and drama: It can be entertaining and even lend itself to passion at first, but it’s a flash fire that will burn out quickly…and burn you at the same time.
· You complement each other. Maybe your partner is an expert planner and organizer, and you are good at going with the flow. Maybe your partner is an awful cook but you are an expert in the kitchen. Maybe your partner has a massive family and you were an only child who grew up longing for more family. In little and big ways, your karmic mate will have skills and assets that are your diametrical opposite, but in a way that brings beautiful harmony to your household.
· You push each other. Your partner should make you feel safe, comfortable, and secure…but in a way that allows space for each of you to grow and heal. So, while your soulmate shouldn’t be controlling or unkind, they will push you to face those aspects of yourself that you most dislike. Maybe your partner will get fed up with your smoking or your lack of trust. Maybe you will push your partner to work on his low self-esteem or his inability to apologize. It should be a virtuous circle in which you are each fostering growth and receiving feedback without anyone feeling controlled or criticized.
· Your partner is willing to grow with you. Your soulmate should challenge you and fertilize your soul-growth, but they shouldn’t do so without also allowing the same from you in return. You and your partner should have an equal and respectful relationship in which you help each other grow into the best versions of yourselves. If it’s always you that has to change or your partner refuses to engage in any growth alongside you, that is a relationship that can be very toxic or even abusive.
· Your partner challenges your family system. Again, I don’t mean that your soulmate will hate your family or try to make you hate them, but they might have a background or beliefs that will challenge long-held beliefs or behaviors in your family. Maybe your partner is from a different religion or class. Maybe you will have a same-sex partner and your family has always been against LGBTQ+ rights. Maybe your partner is passionate and unafraid to speak their mind, but your family is very withdrawn. Your soulmate will not only trigger your own soul growth but also that of your family system.
· You have your own language. Communication between soulmates doesn’t always require words. If you and your partner can communicate in shorthand, or finish not only each other’s sentences but even each other’s thoughts, it’s a sign that you two have known one another for a very long time.Finally, listen to your intuition. You have innate wisdom that is guiding you at all times, but you might not be open to receiving these messages. Put away your ‘must-haves’ lists when you’re dating and spend more time listening to your gut and letting your instincts lead the way. You will be surprised at how wise and accurate your inner guides really are!