As a recovering co-dependent with a history of emotional abuse, it’s been a lifelong journey to come to a place of trusting myself enough to set healthy boundaries. For most of my life, I was quick to second guess myself or look to others I trusted to help guide my decisions. I would feel guilt or shame when I said “no,” fearing I would disappoint someone or lose their friendship or connection. It wasn’t until I hit my 40s that I started to learn to begin setting more boundaries for the sake of my health after breast cancer. But everything really changed over a decade after that, when I tragically and suddenly lost my 16-year-old son Sammy. At that point, my heart and life shattered into a million pieces. I wasn’t able to function, much less set a boundary, and as I would discover, boundaries were needed more than ever.
I vividly remember the moment I decided to let my body take the lead in my boundary setting. It was about two weeks after Sammy’s death, and I was sitting on the sofa talking to my friend and coach Diana Chapman. I was taking some time away to begin my healing journey. Diana was joining me, along with lots of other healer friends to offer their support. I mentioned in passing that in a few days I was to give a talk about relationships for an online summit I had agreed to months before. It hadn’t even occurred to me to cancel. She looked at me like I was crazy and asked, “Do you really want to do that?” My answer was clearly no, but I couldn’t imagine canceling. It would be unprofessional! I told myself I could just suck it up and do the hour presentation, then go on with my day. I didn’t want to let them down. Then she asked, “Well, what does your body want?”
I knew what she meant. As a recovering co-dependent, I’ve spent years becoming more attuned to and in my body; more embodied. But it hadn’t occurred to me to ask my body it’s opinion. So, I closed my eyes and tuned in, asking my body the question in my mind, “What do you say to giving this talk?” Immediately my chest and belly constricted, creating a profound nausea. It was a very clear, very intense “No.” So I decided to cancel a work event, for the first time ever. And I immediately felt a beautiful release flow through my body. And the sky didn’t fall on my head. And I felt liberated.
Something about the worst thing ever happening to me had set me free enough to finally release the fear of letting others down. I couldn’t care anymore because I was barely keeping afloat myself. And, in the most unexpected and beautiful way, that set me free. So I continued to hand my decisions over to my body. I made my body a promise that for the next few months, I would run everything past it and only say “yes” to what my body said yes to and “no” to what my body didn’t want to do, even if the rest of me felt differently.
I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but it turned out to be one of the most healing and empowering decisions I’ve ever made. So, when those few experimental months were over, I kept it going…now for three and a half years and counting!
Don’t get me wrong, it can be a little tricky or confusing for me and others. For instance, a while back a high-profile celebrity invited me to a fancy, private Hollywood party where lots of changemakers would be in attendance. Most people (including me) would love an invitation to network with people at the top of their game who are making the world a better place. But as I held the invitation and asked my body, it was a resounding, “Absolutely not!” So I quite literally turned to this lovely person and said, “I’m so sorry, but I promised myself and my body a while back that I would only say yes to things my body says yes to as well…I am really excited by your invitation and would love to attend, but for some reason my body is adamant it does not want to go so I have to listen! I’m so sorry but I have to decline.” Yes, she was a little shocked (very evident in her mouth hanging open in surprise), but she wasn’t insulted. In fact, she began asking a ton of questions about what I meant, how I followed my body, etc, and then invited me to do a private event for her and her friends about following your body’s wisdom! Now that my body wanted to do!
My body often says no to things the rest of me thinks is a great idea, and she says “yes” to things I honestly don’t feel like doing! Just recently I was invited to a group meditation event. Normally I would love to attend something like this, except when traffic is involved. I avoid rush hour in Los Angeles at all costs and this event would require me to drive close to 2 hours in rush hour traffic on a weeknight. I absolutely planned to give my apologies and decline the invitation. But my body had a very different plan. So I followed her lead and went. It turned out to be a beautiful event and I even got to meet the head of AI for the Dali Lama! Who knew that job even existed?!
So how do you even recognize a full body YES?
A “full body yes” is that deep, intuitive physical sense that something is absolutely right for you. I find the easiest way to get started is by recognizing what “YES” and “NO” feel like in your body. Here are the steps.
1. Get Grounded in your body (we have to be in our bodies to know what our bodies want).
2. Do a body scan. By this I mean put your attention gently on your body, scanning it from head to toe, noticing any sensations of density, pain, tenderness, looseness, openness, whatever it is…there’s no wrong sensation and you don’t have to do anything with what you discover. Just notice. This is your baseline
3. Say the word “YES!,” out loud to yourself with emphasis, several times. Use lots of different tones but make it all positive. Do another body scan and notice how it feels. Maybe you feel some opening in your chest, hips or back. Maybe you feel a tingling in your extremities. Everyone is different.
4. Now say the word, “NO!” with emphasis and authority. Say it several times. Do a body scan again and you’ll likely notice some constriction somewhere (often in several places) in your body. Maybe there’s some tightness or even pain in your head, chest, or belly, but everyone experiences this in different ways, so just stay curious.
5. Next think of something you love to do and that you would always want to say yes to. It could be anything; cuddling your pet or favorite person, spending time on your favorite hobby, anything that puts you into flow. Hold that in your mind as you scan your body. It probably feels a lot like the “YES” did.
6. Do the same exercise with something you really don’t enjoy; cleaning the bathroom, driving your mother-in-law somewhere far away, whatever that thing is that you always try to put off until later. Notice how that feels in your body as you hold the image in your mind. My guess is that it will feel a lot like “NO” did.
7. Now that you know what “yes” and “no” feels like, you can hold a new question or idea in your mind. Maybe it’s an invitation you’ve received, a work decision, or even something you’re considering doing or addressing with a family member or friend. Notice what you feel in your body. Now you can let your body be your guide.
When you experience a full body yes, it’s like every part of you is saying, “Yes! This is aligned with who I am and what I need.” It goes beyond rational thought—your entire being feels good, energized, and clear.
Why It’s Important to Follow Your Full Body Yes
When you align your decisions with your full body yes, you’re not just making choices—you’re living in tune with your authentic self. Here’s why it’s so important to follow this powerful inner guidance:
1. It Keeps You in Alignment with Your True Desires
Many of us are conditioned to make decisions based on what others expect or what we think we should do. But when you follow your full body yes, you’re making decisions based on what you genuinely want and need. This leads to a more fulfilling and authentic life, one where you’re aligned with your true desires rather than external pressures.
2. It Boosts Your Confidence
When you start to trust your body’s wisdom, your confidence grows. You’ll notice that decisions made from a full body yes tend to work out better, leading to greater success and satisfaction. This reinforces the habit of listening to your inner signals, creating a positive feedback loop of trust in yourself.
3. It Helps You Avoid Burnout and Resentment
Saying yes to things that don’t feel right often leads to stress, burnout, and resentment. Whether it’s overcommitting to projects or staying in relationships that drain you, saying yes when you mean no can take a toll on your well-being. By following your full body yes, you’ll conserve your energy for the things that truly matter, avoiding unnecessary stress.
4. It Cultivates Deeper Relationships
When you follow your full body yes, your relationships become more authentic. You’re no longer agreeing to things out of guilt or obligation—you’re showing up fully present and engaged because you genuinely want to be there. This fosters deeper, more meaningful connections with others.
It might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to making decisions based on logic or other people’s expectations. But the more you practice trusting yourself, the easier it becomes to recognize and follow your full body yes. And the more you follow your yes, the better your life will become. That I can promise you!