What if reality TV could teach us more about love than we expected? Behind the roses, drama, and sandy beach dates, there are powerful lessons about what makes relationships thrive…and what makes them fall apart.
When I traveled to Costa Rica to film Bachelor in Paradise, I went in blind. I knew nothing about the couples’ histories. All I could do was watch, listen, and assess them in real time. What I saw was sometimes inspiring, sometimes concerning, and always revealing. And the lessons apply far beyond the beach.
Alexe & Andrew: From Awkward to Aligned
What happens when you check all the boxes on paper; shared values, aligned life goals, laughter, and mutual attraction, but the spark just doesn’t flow?
That was Alexe and Andrew. Their intimacy looked awkward and forced to me, filled with giggles and deflection. At one point Alexe asked Andrew not to use tongue when kissing, yet he kept leaning in with tongue. To me, that signaled mismatch and discomfort.
When I voiced this after the glamping challenge, they were understandably defensive. From their perspective, I had only seen a slice of their story. Later, I even wondered if I had misread them.
Then came the twist. My husband ran into Alexe at O’Hare Airport, and she told him something I had said during our session changed things significantly for the better for her and Andrew. Watching the episode back, I saw what she meant. Alexe admitted she had been putting up walls. Once she let them down, everything shifted. Their chemistry came alive, and by the end of the season, the other contestants were shouting for them to “get a room.”
Finale outcome: Alexe and Andrew chose love over money, and walked away with both.
Takeaway: What looks like a lack of chemistry is often fear or self-protection. Vulnerability is what unlocks passion.
Spencer & Jess: When It Just Works
Spencer and Jess joked later in the episode I was in with them, that I didn’t have much feedback other than, “You’re good.” And the truth is, they were…and my guess will continue to be.
From the start, I saw playfulness, steady communication, passion, and joy. No drama, no games, just two people who genuinely enjoyed each other.
Finale outcome: They also chose love over money and got both.
Takeaway: Healthy love isn’t complicated. The best relationships often feel easy, lighthearted, and natural.
Kat & Dale: Strength and Shadows
Kat and Dale were standouts in the challenge I helped design. When Kat spiraled into panic over bugs, Dale rose to the occasion. He built her a makeshift platform to stay off the ground, stayed calm, and lent her his own nervous system to help her regulate. This is called co-regulation; when one person’s steady presence helps another calm down. It’s a vital skill in any lasting relationship.
But I also noticed a shadow. Dale seemed unable to be okay unless Kat was okay. His empathy was real, but as her panic dragged on, frustration and helplessness crept in. That is the fine line between empathy and codependency. When your stability depends on your partner’s state, you risk living in a rescuer–victim cycle that erodes intimacy over time.
Finale outcome: Kat and Dale didn’t make it to the end. Another contestant revealed she had been in contact with her ex at the start of the season. Kat admitted she came into the show jaded and not expecting to find love. Even so, what I saw between her and Dale felt real.
Takeaway: Support and co regulation are essential, but both partners must also learn to self-soothe. Love thrives when each person can stand strong alone and side by side.
Bailey & Jeremy: Still Together (For Now)
Bailey and Jeremy were the couple I wrote about in last week’s blog. Their passion was undeniable, but their differences were glaring. He disliked social media while she embraced it. He loved rugged adventure while she wanted comfort. She looked at him with devotion, while he admitted what drew him in most was how much she adored him.
To me, their relationship looked more like anxious and avoidant attachment styles colliding than a foundation for lasting love. And yet, to my surprise, Bailey and Jeremy are still together months after filming. We shall see if it lasts.
Finale outcome: They didn’t leave with the prize, but they are still navigating life as a couple.
Takeaway: Chemistry and devotion can carry a relationship further than expected, but long-term success depends on whether both partners grow toward balance and mutuality.
The Bigger Picture
What struck me most is that the couples who thrived were the ones who dared to risk vulnerability.
- Alexe and Andrew leaned in and dropped their walls.
- Spencer and Jess trusted simplicity and joy.
- Kat and Dale modeled support, while also reminding us of the dangers of over-functioning in love.
- Bailey and Jeremy showed that passion can endure, even if it needs more balance to last.
The truth is this: Love always involves risk. It asks us to soften, to release our defenses, and to be willing to get hurt. But it is also the only way to build something that lasts beyond the spark of chemistry.