Several months ago, I boarded a plane to Costa Rica, buzzing with excitement. What for? A secret I had to keep under wraps until now: I was heading to film Bachelor in Paradise. Even though I have worked on many television projects, this was a whole new adventure. I had no idea who would be there, what couples were already forming, or what challenges awaited. That was intentional. Producers wanted me to come in completely blind so I could assess the couples without bias, using only what I observed in real time.
My job was twofold. First, to help design a challenge that would truly test the couples’ connections. Second, to watch them carefully throughout the process. I considered this challenge to be about future proofing your relationship, looking beyond the spark of chemistry to see who you can really go the distance with when life gets messy. In today’s world, more than ever, people long for a partner they could survive an apocalypse with. To that end, I co-created a scoring system with producers that drew from my thirty years of therapeutic work with couples, focusing on communication, teamwork, generosity, and body language. For six hours, I sat in the control room watching the contestants interactions unfold at dinner and the campsite. Every glance, every touch, every moment of silence mattered.
Bailey and Jeremy: Chemistry Isn’t Enough
One couple stood out immediately: Bailey and Jeremy. Their chemistry was undeniable. At dinner, they could not keep their hands off each other, the kind of passion that makes great TV. But as I listened and watched more closely, cracks appeared.
They were opposites, and not necessarily in compatible ways. Jeremy talked about how little he cared for social media, while Bailey lit up about documenting everything. He loved rugged camping trips abroad, while she admitted she could not wait to never camp again. Differences in a relationship are not only normal, they can actually be healthy. Having your own passions, interests, and independence keeps things fresh and prevents couples from becoming overly enmeshed. But differences in how you want to live your life, the values you hold, and the way you move through the world are a different story. Those deeper gaps eventually shape whether two people can build a shared future together.
I also noticed something deeper. Bailey seemed much more invested, gazing at Jeremy with almost desperate devotion. At the time, that stood out to me as a possible imbalance in their connection. Months later, while watching the season on television, I heard Jeremy say one of the things he appreciated most about Bailey was how much she adored him.
From my perspective, Bailey’s patterns looked like anxious attachment, craving closeness and reassurance, while Jeremy seemed more avoidant, keeping emotional distance. When those two styles pair up, the anxious partner often gives more than the avoidant is able to reciprocate, leading to a painful cycle.
When I shared my impressions the next day, they bristled. They insisted their connection was deeper than what I had seen. And of course, they were right in one sense. I had only observed a slice of their story. But with decades of experience, I have learned to trust what I see in those small, telling moments. Watching the season now, I am more convinced than ever that my instincts were on target. We shall see… while I’m writing this I don’t know how the series will end!
Coming Next…
Not all couples struggled in the same way. Alexe and Andrew, for example, had incredible alignment in values and vision, “checking all the boxes” as they like to say on the show, but lacked the spark of chemistry. Kat and Dale, on the other hand, won the challenge for how beautifully they showed up for one another, but their dynamic raised some red flags too. I will be writing more about both of these couples in the weeks to come.
Who knew the Bachelor franchise could be such a master class in love?
With love and light,
Laura
