Loss changes everything. It changes how we see the world, how we experience love, and—perhaps most painfully—how we relate to the people closest to us. As a relationship therapist, I’ve seen how loss can either bring couples closer or slowly erode the foundation of their relationship. And as a grieving mother, I know firsthand the toll it can take.
When my son Sammy died, I was painfully aware that many relationships don’t survive the loss of a child. Statistics show that a staggering number of marriages fall apart after child loss—not because the love wasn’t strong, but because the weight of the grief was too much to carry together. My husband and I knew this going in, and we made a choice: We would walk through this together, no matter how impossible it felt at times. And somehow, despite the pain, our love is stronger than ever.
But that didn’t happen by accident. It took intention, commitment, grace, and an extraordinary amount of patience—both for myself and for my partner. Because here’s the truth: Grief will change you. And it will change your relationship. The question is, will you let it push you apart, or will you find a way to hold on to each other through it?
Here’s what I’ve learned makes all the difference—both as a therapist who’s counselled countless couples through this, and as someone who has lived it.
Recognize That You Might Grieve Differently
One of the hardest parts of grieving in a relationship is realizing that your partner may not grieve the way you do.
Some people need to talk about their emotions, while others retreat into silence and solitude. Some people crave closeness, while others feel completely shut down.
My husband and I had to navigate this ourselves. I was crying out loud and somatically releasing my pain, and he was turning inward, licking his wounds. I wanted to make his way wrong and my way right, even though I knew that was irrational because there is no wrong way to grieve and everyone works through it at their own pace. There were times I needed to scream my grief into the universe, and there were times I needed to be still with it in silence. And then there were the moments when I just needed to feel held, without words, without solutions—just the presence of love in the midst of pain.
🔹 Instead of saying “You never talk about it” or “Why are you shutting me out?”, try “How can I support you in this?” Giving your partner the space to grieve in their own way is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
Make Space for Emotional Check-Ins
One of the most dangerous things grief does to relationships is create distance without either person meaning to.
You don’t want to burden your partner with your pain, so you keep quiet. They don’t want to remind you of the loss, so they avoid bringing it up. Slowly, silence replaces connection, and both of you feel alone.
🔹 Build in small check-ins to keep communication open. Even if it’s as simple as:
- “How are you feeling today?”
- “Do you need space or do you want to talk?”
- “Is there something I can do to make today easier?”
Even a short conversation can bridge the gap, reminding both of you that you are not alone in this.
Give Each Other (and Yourself) an Enormous Amount of Grace
Grief makes everything harder. It changes your energy, your motivation, your patience, and even your ability to function on some days.
There will be times when one of you is too exhausted to engage, when words come out wrong, when you snap at each other out of sheer overwhelm. And in those moments, it’s so easy to take it personally.
But here’s what I’ve learned: Grief doesn’t make you a bad partner. It makes you human. And the best thing you can do is extend grace—to yourself and to each other.
🔹 Instead of reacting with frustration, remind yourself:
- “They aren’t pushing me away; they’re hurting.”
- “I’m not failing at this; I’m just grieving.”
- “This is a hard moment, but it won’t always be this way.”
Give yourselves permission to be imperfect, knowing that grief isn’t something to be solved—it’s something to be carried, together.
Create Rituals of Connection
One of the most common ways grief pulls couples apart is by disrupting the routines that hold them together.
You used to have weekly date nights, but now it’s too painful to go out. You used to wake up and talk about your day, but now mornings feel heavy. Without meaning to, you stop doing the things that made you feel like a couple—and the distance between you grows.
🔹 Create small, simple rituals to stay connected, even when grief is at its worst:
- Light a candle together in memory of your loved one.
- Take five minutes before bed to hold hands or cuddle in silence.
- Plan one small “date” a week, even if it’s just a walk around the block.
- Share one thing you’re grateful for, even on the hard days.
These small moments remind you that, even in grief, your love is still here.
Seek Support When You Need It
Some couples try to handle grief alone, believing that if they just push through, things will “go back to normal.” But grief doesn’t work that way—it needs space to be processed, witnessed, and supported.
Sometimes, that support looks like:
- Therapy (individually or as a couple)
- A grief group
- A community like the Grief Healing Collective!
There is no shame in needing extra support. If anything, seeking help is a sign of love—for yourself, your partner, and your relationship.
Love and Grief Can Coexist
Losing my son could have destroyed my marriage. And for many couples, loss does just that—not because the love isn’t real, but because grief is so big that it can feel impossible to hold together.
But I am here to tell you: Your relationship can survive this.
In fact, it can become stronger than ever.
It takes grace, patience, and the willingness to keep choosing each other, even in the darkest moments. It takes letting love lead, even when grief feels overwhelming.
If you and your partner are navigating loss, know that you don’t have to do this alone. My Grief Healing Collective is here to help—because while grief is a journey you must walk, you don’t have to walk it by yourself.
PS. If you are a grieving mama or love one, make sure to check out our upcoming transformational Love Mama Grief Retreat! Registration is open now. And if you need a scholarship there’s still a little time left to apply! So register now (or apply for a scholarship HERE). We can’t wait to meet you there!
Laura