The idea that “time heals all wounds” is often mentioned when discussing grief. But how much time? Is there actually an expiration date on grief?
Hell no there isn’t! That expression has always annoyed me, especially after losing my sweet boy Sammy over three years ago. I couldn’t imagine ever healing from that.
When we first experience grief, it can feel all-encompassing, overwhelming our entire being. In the early stages after my loss, it felt as though the grief-filled every part of me, and I couldn’t imagine a day when it wouldn’t dominate my thoughts and emotions.
This is a natural part of the grieving process. The grief is raw and powerful, and it can feel all-consuming.
Over time the waves of pain indeed lessened in intensity and came less frequently. But grief is so complex for each of us, and it affects each individual in unique ways. The truth is time might create distance from the immediate pain of loss, but true healing involves more than just waiting for the hurt to fade.
One reason time alone doesn’t heal grief is that it doesn’t address the active emotional work that grieving requires. Grief is a multifaceted experience encompassing feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, shame, and even sometimes relief. Without processing these emotions, they may remain buried, only to resurface later. Time can sometimes make us more accustomed to living with our grief, but it does not inherently resolve it.
What seems to matter most in healing is how we engage with our grief over time. This might involve seeking support, talking about the loss, or finding ways to honor the memory of the loved one. As David Kessler mentions in his book The Sixth Stage of Grief, healing often requires finding meaning in the loss (he has a new workbook coming out btw which is great). It’s not about forgetting or moving on, but about integrating the loss into our lives in a way that allows us to continue living fully.
Additionally, grief doesn’t follow a linear timeline. It’s more of a cyclical process, with moments of intense emotion resurfacing even years after the loss. Anniversaries, graduations, marriages, or other milestones and life events can trigger fresh waves of grief. Therefore, while time may lessen the sharpness of the pain, it does not completely erase it.
Ultimately, time can help by providing the space needed to process emotions and adjust to life without a loved one. However, healing from grief is an active journey, requiring emotional work, reflection, and connection with others. Time is a companion in that journey, but not the healer itself.
Grief is often described as something that doesn’t necessarily get smaller over time, but instead, we grow bigger around it.
The pain of loss doesn’t fully go away, but as we continue living, evolving, and healing, we develop more and more emotional capacity to hold that grief. We learn to surf the waves when they come in a way that doesn’t feel like a hardship. We learn to live alongside our loss. We learn to forge a new relationship with our pain and to feel it all with grace. We discover how to have an ongoing relationship with our loved ones on the other side (if we wish).
Life continues, and in the process, we create new memories, form new relationships, and find new experiences that bring meaning to our lives. Our ability to hold a broader range of emotions expands, allowing space for joy, love, and connection alongside the grief. In this way, we become “bigger” than the grief, not by diminishing its importance but by growing in our capacity to hold it without letting it define us entirely.
This growth doesn’t happen all at once; it’s gradual and often unnoticed. There may be days when the grief feels as heavy as ever, but over time, the moments of peace and acceptance become more frequent. We learn to carry the grief as part of our story, but it no longer takes up all the space in our hearts.
My loss has completely changed me. But what I’ve learned and discovered on this grief journey has changed me even more. While I would give anything to have my boy back, I would never want to change back to the version of me I was when he was here. Don’t get me wrong, that version of me was great. But this one is so much more free, clear, powerful, tapped in, tuned in connected than I ever was before. I’m not scared of anything and I’m full of power and clarity in ways I couldn’t imagine four years ago.
I’m more committed than ever to helping people heal from what feels like an impossible loss. If you’d like to join me on this journey and learn what I’ve discovered about how to heal and thrive through loss, follow me on social media at @griefhealingcollective. And if you are a woman who is grieving any loss, I hope you’ll join me for a transformational retreat in Chicago, October 25-27 Heartbreak to Healing: A Grief Retreat for Women!