Have you ever looked back at a relationship and thought, How did I end up here AGAIN?

Maybe you keep falling for emotionally unavailable people. Maybe one unanswered text sends you into a full-blown anxiety spiral. Or you find yourself people-pleasing, overexplaining, or chasing someone who isn’t giving you much in return.

And the really frustrating part? You KNOW you’re doing it. You might even understand exactly where the pattern came from. So why is it so hard to stop?

As a relationship therapist for more than 30 years, I’ve seen just how stubborn these patterns can be. We develop ways of protecting ourselves and getting our emotional needs met early in life, and then carry those strategies into our adult relationships. Sometimes the very things we do to feel secure end up creating more of the insecurity we’re trying to avoid.

My guest on The Language of Love is Sabrina Zohar, host of The Sabrina Zohar Show and author of Why Am I Like This? Sabrina calls the unconscious programming behind our relationship patterns our “bullshit blueprint,” and she’s refreshingly direct, funny, and occasionally profane about what it takes to change it.

She shares a pretty remarkable story involving 173 unanswered texts. Yes, 173! We unpack what was really happening underneath that behavior, why our nervous systems can hijack our best intentions, and what it actually takes to respond differently when every part of you wants to fall back into an old habit.

We also challenge some popular dating advice and talk about why knowing all the therapy language doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the work. Sabrina shares how she and her partner learned to build trust one hour at a time, and the practical tools she uses when her emotions start taking over.

We also explore:

• Why understanding your attachment style doesn’t automatically change your behavior

• How to tell the difference between anxiety and intuition

• Why avoidant partners aren’t always the villains, and why attachment wounds aren’t an excuse for hurtful behavior

• What’s wrong with popular dating advice like “if they wanted to, they would”

• How to recognize real emotional growth versus just getting good at talking about your issues

• Simple somatic tools for calming your nervous system and interrupting old patterns

If you’re tired of having the same relationship in a different package, I think you’ll get a lot out of this conversation.

You don’t have to heal every childhood wound before you can have a healthy relationship. But you do have to start recognizing your patterns, taking responsibility for your behavior, and practicing something different, even when it’s uncomfortable.

To learn more about Sabrina and her work, pick up a copy of Why Am I Like This, listen to The Sabrina Zohar Show, and connect with her on Instagram and TikTok.

If something in this conversation sparked something in you, don’t stop here. My website offers more content, tools, and upcoming events to keep the conversation alive.

And if a reflection comes up, or you simply want to reach out, I’d love to hear from you. Find me at languageoflovepod@gmail.com.

This episode is for anyone who’s ever known better and still done worse, and finally understood why.

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