Did you know that your risk of having a heart attack can be dramatically higher in the first 24 hours after someone you love dies?

We know grief is emotionally devastating. But what we don’t always understand is just how much it affects us physically.

The exhaustion that sleep doesn’t seem to fix. The brain fog. The headaches, digestive problems, tightness in your chest, and the feeling that your nervous system is constantly on high alert. Sometimes you barely recognize your own body.

I experienced so much of this after my son died. And even with more than 30 years of experience as a therapist, I was surprised by how profoundly grief affected me physically.

That’s why I was so interested in having Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor back to talk about her latest book, The Grieving Body.

Mary-Frances is a neuroscientist and psychologist at the University of Arizona and the author of The Grieving Brain, which helped explain one of the strangest experiences of grief: how we can know intellectually that someone has died while our brains continue expecting them to come home.

Her new book takes that science further, exploring what happens throughout our bodies when we lose someone we love, and what we can actually do to support our physical health while grieving.

Mary-Frances also brings a deeply personal perspective to her research. She was just thirteen when her mother was diagnosed with cancer, and watching her mother face the possibility of dying shaped her understanding of loss long before she became a scientist.

In this conversation, we get into some fascinating research, including why bereavement can increase our risk of serious health problems, what crying actually does for us, and how our attachment to someone becomes so deeply wired into our brains and bodies.

We also explore why grief can hit us physically before we’re even consciously aware of what’s triggering it. Why do we sometimes start feeling anxious, exhausted, or unsettled as an anniversary approaches, only to realize later what our bodies seemed to know all along?

I share some of my own experiences with the physical toll of grief, including how movement and somatic practices helped me when talking about my feelings simply wasn’t enough.

And we talk about something I think is especially important for grievers: the complicated relationship between taking care of ourselves and staying connected to the person we’ve lost. Sometimes, even feeling better can bring up guilt.

But caring for your body, allowing yourself to rest, and finding moments of pleasure again don’t diminish your love or your grief.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why grief affects everything from your immune system and cardiovascular health to your sleep, digestion, and ability to think clearly

• The startling research on heart attack risk immediately following the death of a loved one

• Why our brains keep searching for someone even when we know they’re gone, and the “gone but also everlasting” paradox

• The science of crying, why tears are connected to attachment, and what happens when we feel safe enough to let them come

• Why anniversaries, birthdays, and other significant dates can trigger physical grief responses before we consciously recognize what’s happening

• Why two people grieving the same person can have completely different physical and emotional experiences

• How prolonged or particularly intense grief can affect our health

• What Mary-Frances means by the difference between time healing and action healing

• How movement, rest, and small acts of physical care can help support a grieving body

• A powerful story about a young widow that has stayed with Mary-Frances throughout her career

One of the things I’ve learned, both professionally and through my own grief, is that we have to pay attention to what our bodies are telling us. We can’t always think or talk our way through grief. Sometimes we need to move, cry, sleep, breathe, or simply give ourselves permission to stop pushing so hard.

I hope this conversation helps you understand some of what may be happening in your own body and gives you a few practical ways to care for yourself through it.

You can love and miss someone with every fiber of your being and still deserve to feel well in your own body.

Don’t forget to check out Mary-Frances’s books, The Grieving Brain and The Grieving Body. You can learn more about her work on her website and follow her on Instagram.

And if you’re looking for support, connection, or a place to feel less alone, my book, Crying Out Loud: A Path Through Grief Into a Life Reimagined, and The Grief Healing Collective are here for you. If something in this episode spoke to your heart, share your story or send your questions to cryingoutloudpod@gmail.com.

None of us are meant to carry this alone.

And if you want to explore more of how our brains, bodies, histories, and emotional patterns shape the way we love and connect, come find me on my other podcast, The Language of Love. Every week, I talk with leading experts and share what I’ve learned in more than 30 years as a therapist about relationships, intimacy, and healing. You can find The Language of Love wherever you’re listening to Crying Out Loud.