The holiday season is a time of lights, laughter, and celebration—but for those of us grieving the loss of a loved one, it can feel like walking through a world painted in a joy we can’t quite touch. I know this intimately. Since losing my son Sammy to fentanyl poisoning, the holidays have become a bittersweet mix of gratitude for what remains and a deep ache for what is gone.
Grief doesn’t take a break for the holidays, and being surrounded by festive cheer can sometimes amplify the void. It’s not just the joy of others that can be difficult—it’s also their expectations of you. The pressure to be okay, to smile, to “join in the spirit,” can feel like an impossible burden. Sometimes, it’s not just the sadness that makes you want to isolate but the exhaustion of pretending to be something you’re not.
I’ve learned that it’s possible to navigate this season with both tenderness for your loss and moments of light for your soul. Here are some ways I’ve found to coexist with the joy around me while honoring the love and pain within me.
1. Make Space for Your Grief
The holidays come with an unspoken expectation of happiness, but grief doesn’t follow a calendar. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling—whether that’s sadness, anger, longing, or even fleeting moments of joy. Create intentional spaces to honor your emotions, such as:
- Journaling your thoughts and memories.
- Lighting a candle in memory of your loved one.
- Sitting quietly with their photo or an item that reminds you of them.
Letting your grief breathe in these ways can make it easier to face moments when you feel pressured to hold it all in.
2. Address Others’ Expectations Gently but Firmly
One of the most challenging aspects of grieving during the holidays is managing others’ expectations of you. Loved ones may want you to be “okay,” not because they’re insensitive, but because they don’t know how to handle your pain—or because they love you and wish they could take it away.
It’s okay to set boundaries. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but you might say something like:
- “I’m not feeling very festive this year, but I appreciate your understanding.”
- “I might need to step away during the gathering. Please don’t take it personally—it’s just what I need to do for myself.”
- “Thank you for inviting me. I’m not sure if I can stay the whole time, but I’ll do what feels right for me.”
By expressing your needs with kindness, you allow others to support you without feeling pressured to perform happiness for their sake.
3. Recognize the Pain of Pretending
Pretending to be okay when you’re not can be exhausting. It’s one thing to step into joy when it feels authentic, but forcing yourself to match the energy of a festive room when your heart is breaking is draining.
If pretending feels too painful, honor that feeling by stepping back when you need to. This might mean skipping a gathering or taking breaks during family events to recharge. You are allowed to prioritize your well-being, even during the holidays.
4. Create New Traditions
The holidays can feel empty without your loved one, especially if certain traditions revolved around them. Creating new rituals can help you honor their memory while finding ways to stay connected to the present.
- Hang an ornament that represents them on your tree.
- Make their favorite dish and share stories about them during the meal.
- Start a quiet tradition, like a walk or a moment of reflection, to hold space for their presence.
New traditions can be a way to carry their spirit forward while adjusting to life without them.
5. Plan for Social Gatherings With Intention
The decision to attend holiday gatherings can feel fraught. Being surrounded by joy can amplify your pain, and the pressure to engage can make you want to retreat. If you do choose to attend, consider:
- Letting the host know in advance that you might leave early if it becomes too much.
- Bringing a trusted friend or family member who understands your grief and can offer support if you need it.
- Giving yourself permission to step away for a quiet moment if the event feels overwhelming.
And if attending feels like too much? It’s okay to say no. Declining an invitation doesn’t mean you’re letting anyone down—it means you’re listening to your own needs.
6. Allow Yourself Moments of Joy Without Guilt
Grief and joy can coexist, even during the holidays. When moments of lightness or laughter come, allow yourself to feel them without guilt. Experiencing joy doesn’t diminish your love for the person you’ve lost. It simply means that their memory and your love for them are still finding ways to bring light into your life.
7. Lean Into Support and Connection
Grief can feel isolating, but you don’t have to carry it alone. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who understand your loss and can provide comfort without expectations. For me, sharing memories of my son Sammy with those who truly understand has been a source of healing and connection.
8. Connect With Their Spirit
I believe that love doesn’t end when someone leaves this world—it transforms. Finding ways to connect with your loved one’s energy can bring comfort during this tender time.
- Talk to them out loud or in your heart. Share your thoughts, your pain, and your holiday plans.
- Look for signs of their presence in small, meaningful moments.
- Carry or wear something that reminds you of them as a way to feel their presence close.
A Final Thought: Honor Yourself
As you navigate the holidays, remember that grief is not linear. There is no right way to “do” the season, and you are under no obligation to meet anyone’s expectations—not even your own.
Grief is a reflection of love, and the pain you feel is a testament to the depth of that love. This holiday season, honor your emotions, cherish the memories, and let yourself move through the season in the way that feels most authentic to you.
May you find moments of peace, connection, and love—no matter how small or fleeting. You are not alone.
Laura