Here’s Why So Many of Us Want Brad & Jen Back Together…And Why We Shouldn’t
As rumors swirl that everyone’s favorite Hollywood couple is getting back together, the situation has many people wondering if it is ever okay to get back with your ex.
The desire to return to past relationships is not unusual. People often ask me if it is ever a good idea to get back together with their ex. While attraction and physical desire play a role, something much deeper is generally driving couples' urge to reconnect.
When it comes to ex-couples like Brad and Jen, the desire to get back together is more than just physical. Indeed, it’s deeply psychological. There is a phenomenon known as repetition compulsion that can help to explain why some people just can’t resist reigniting sparks with an old flame.”
Repetition compulsion occurs when a person subconsciously attempts to recreate situations that will re-expose them to past trauma.
Repetition compulsion is when a person keeps exposing themselves to potentially painful situations or engaging in self-destructive behavior as a way to reconnect with past experiences. Our minds do this because we want subconsciously ‘heal’ these wounds, so we keep recreating the same painful situations in the vain hope that we will find a different outcome and therefore reclaim the trauma and erase its hold over us.
Sadly, repetition compulsion only further entrenches the experience’s hold over us.
It’s like you keep picking at a wound. It can never heal. While there are some situations in which getting back together with your ex is a good idea, you have to make sure that you’re not just trying to rewrite history. If you have not actually done any healing but are just picking at that same scab, you’re going to find yourself in pain once again.
Brad and Jen’s bond feels so relevant to so many people because we all have felt that desire to repeat the past and fix our broken relationships, romantic or otherwise.
It’s very appealing to think we can return to our roots and mend our deepest hurts. And we can…but generally, that healing comes from intentional soul-work and mindful willingness to create NEW thoughts and make new choices, rather than retreating to the comfort of the familiar.
Before getting back together with your ex, consider asking yourself these 3 questions:
1) Was abuse involved? If abuse (including verbal or emotional) occurred, getting back together could be very dangerous and even fatal.
2) Did infidelity occur? If so, was it a one-time mistake or an ongoing affair? Were there multiple instances? Did they confess right away or lie about the situation and make you the bad guy? Ask yourself these questions and consider whether you can really move past such deep betrayal.
3) What will be different this time? Will anything really change? Ask your ex this question as well, and make sure your plan includes action steps like counseling and improved effort at communication.
Still wondering if you should get back together with your ex? Watch my Youtube video on this topic here and be sure to subscribe for more content.